The Reflection Paradox
Why People Don’t Really See You!
“We are more influenced by our own projections than by reality itself.” — Jacques Lacan, Écrits, p. 287
The Illusion of Being Seen
No matter how kind, talented, or well-intentioned you are, people will misunderstand you. They will judge, label, and misinterpret you—not because they truly see you, but because they see themselves in you.
Perception is never neutral.
The human mind does not passively receive reality but actively constructs it. Everyone views the world through a psychological filter shaped by their upbringing, past experiences, fears, and unconscious desires.
This means people don’t see you as you are. They see a projection of their own inner world.
“Each man sees in others only the reflection of his own inner self.” — Ralph Waldo Emerson, The Conduct of Life, p. 54
Someone who fears failure may see your ambition as arrogance.
Someone who avoids change may view your confidence as recklessness.
Someone who doubts their own worth may perceive your success as a personal threat.
💭 Their judgment is not about you—it is about them.
The Psychology of Projection: Seeing the Self in Others
Sigmund Freud introduced the concept of projection—a psychological defence mechanism where people unconsciously attribute their own unacceptable feelings, desires, or insecurities to others.
When someone accuses you of qualities you don’t possess, it is often because those qualities exist within them, but they cannot consciously acknowledge them.
“The patient does not recognise that he is seeing reflections of himself in the outside world.” — Sigmund Freud, Introductory Lectures on Psychoanalysis, p. 137
Let's consider the following:
A dishonest person may frequently suspect others of lying.
Someone insecure about their intelligence may belittle others to feel superior.
A person who struggles with control may interpret independence as defiance.
💭 This mechanism is not always (yet with a serious potential!) malicious. More often than not, it is unconscious—a reflexive way for individuals to avoid confronting parts of themselves they find uncomfortable.
The Lacanian Mirror: How Identity is Formed in the Gaze of Others
Jacques Lacan expanded on Freud’s theories, arguing that human identity itself is formed through the gaze of the Other—the way we imagine ourselves being perceived.
From infancy, we learn who we are not through direct self-awareness, but through mirroring—seeing our reflection in others’ responses to us.
“Man is an image for man, and it is in the image of the Other that he first recognises himself.” — Jacques Lacan, The Four Fundamental Concepts of Psychoanalysis, p. 88
This creates a paradox: we long to be truly seen, yet the image others hold of us is always distorted.
Lacan’s mirror stage describes how a child first recognises their reflection as “themselves,” yet this recognition is alienating. The image in the mirror is whole and coherent, yet the child still feels fragmented. This tension continues into adulthood: we construct our sense of self based on how we believe others see us, but this reflection is never fully accurate.
💭 Thus, when people misunderstand you, they are not merely misperceiving you—they are misperceiving themselves through you.
Why Taking Judgment Personally is a Losing Battle
Most people are not reacting to you; they are reacting to their own fears, biases, and internal conflicts.
Freud suggested that the ego—the conscious self—is in constant tension with the id (primal desires) and the superego (internalised moral and societal expectations). This means that when someone judges you, they are often speaking from their own unconscious conflicts rather than any objective truth.
“What we see in others is often what we fear or deny in ourselves.” — Carl Jung, Memories, Dreams, Reflections, p. 239
When faced with criticism, ask yourself:
Is this really about me, or is it a reflection of something unresolved in them?
Am I responsible for their perception, or are they projecting their fears onto me?
💭 Understanding this shifts your perspective. You no longer take every judgment to heart because you realise that most of it is beyond your control.
Breaking Free from the Need for Validation
Lacan suggested that human desire is structured around the desire for recognition—our deep longing to be seen, understood, and validated. Yet, if everyone views reality through their own distortions, true recognition is rare.
“The desire of man is the desire of the Other.” — Jacques Lacan, Écrits, p. 235
The more we chase external validation, the more we become prisoners of others’ distorted perceptions.
But when we accept that misperception is inevitable, we gain something even more powerful: freedom.
You stop shrinking yourself to fit someone else’s narrative.
You let go of the need to constantly explain or defend your choices.
You stop seeking approval from those who barely understand themselves.
💭 Instead, you learn to exist as you are—without apology, without hesitation.
The Power of Letting People Misunderstand You
Not everyone will get you.
Some will misjudge your kindness as weakness, your independence as coldness, your passion as excess. That is not your burden to fix.
Your responsibility is not to fit into someone else’s distorted reality.
Your responsibility is to live authentically in your own.
“I am not what you think I am. You are what you think I am.” — Charles Cooley, Human Nature and the Social Order, p. 152
💭 Let them think what they need to think. Let them misunderstand if they must. Their perception of you is theirs to deal with—not yours to carry.